I first wrote this blog after being invited to speak to a group of women leaders about self-care. The invitation came at the perfect time to allow me to intentionally reflect on what I call “My Self-Care Story” and to affirm that it is not selfish to put myself first.
In an effort to practice putting myself first, I delayed the final publication of this blog until now as the last three months have been unexpectedly filled with challenges to balance work, everyday life and caring for a sick parent. Like many of you may have found yourself doing, I had many moments of guilt at not keeping my self-imposed blog schedule and also had to continually give myself permission to keep moving this down the calendar as I prioritized other priorities that were more critical. I see sharing this as an opportunity to role model some of the values and strategies I discuss below as “putting yourself first” continues to be a work in progress, and a very unique journey for each individual.
Like for many other people, focusing on my own needs has been a lifelong challenge. As a cisgender and Latinx identified woman, I was taught and socialized to care for others first, to put their needs first, even at my own expense. This slowly transformed into my “Self-Care Story”.
As the eldest daughter and sister in my nuclear family, I was expected to care for others from a very young age. As an adult and professional, I learned to prioritize work over myself, over my own health. For me, keeping the balance between self and others has often been lost to others. At times, I have gone so far with my generosity to others that there was nothing left to give myself.
Recently, while reflecting on the messaging I internalized from these experiences and the challenge of putting myself first has helped me to identify a few key learnings:
When I intentionally put myself first, my ability to invest in myself can grow. My capacity to serve and lead others also grows.
Similarly, when I feel out of balance, the act of stuffing, denying, and numbing actually reinforces denial and blocks healing and balance.
When I take care of myself, I am more effective and can access my innate ability to handle life's challenges.
How about you? Do you have a sense of your self-care story? How has it shaped your life and professional journey?
Once you have reflected on the internalized sense of value you have adopted for yourself, you can begin to appreciate your true self in new ways.
Learning to Appreciate Yourself
Consider this: When you count your friends, do you put yourself on the top of the list? When I am being hard on myself or finding it hard to do what I need, I often use this question as a checkpoint, “If I were my best friend, what would I say to myself at this moment?” This question often slows me down enough to become aware of my feelings and to remember that it is not selfish to focus on me.
Appreciating yourself can help you through difficult times. When you experience a mishap, rise back up and figure out a more effective approach. I strive to treat myself with compassion and respect; to address my weaknesses without beating myself up. As I have heard Oprah suggest often, focus on what is the next best step and then the next one.
Another way you can demonstrate that you appreciate and value yourself, is by working to develop supportive relationships. I remind myself that I am worthy of love just the way I am. This can help you to let others in closer and to ask for help when you need it.
Another useful strategy is to engage in encouraging self-talk. Whenever I notice one of the many negative reels in my memory begin to play, I pause and take a deep breath. I intentionally stop, turn to it, honor it and say to myself, sometimes out loud, “Thank you for the reminder. I don’t believe that anymore”.
Once you have recognized the old belief that you are trying to set aside, you can then move on and replace it with a new thought. Try reviewing your accomplishments to build your confidence and to remind yourself that you are capable of handling the challenges that come your way. This is a good start to begin to build opportunities to practice and redesign your internalized experience.
Practicing Taking Care of Yourself First
Although it may feel odd to prioritize yourself, by caring for your needs first, you will be better able to care for others. Enjoy taking care of yourself and happily doing the things that you know you need to do to make you a better person. In my case, for example, over time I have learned that getting the sleep I need, eating healthy foods, exercising, and taking time to relax and meditate helps me to become a more centered, healthier person. I can offer more to others when I am in full health.
It is not selfish to put yourself first and caring for yourself first ensures that you have the energy you need. When you say no more often, you will have more time to focus on your goals and what is important to you. Prioritize how you spend your time by planning ahead and around what you need to accomplish. At first, it might feel strange or uncomfortable but it will get easier.
As you work to set better boundaries everyday, you will notice that you are more productive, have more energy, feel less stress and are much happier.
Taking Emotional Care of Yourself
Another key element of learning to put yourself first is prioritizing taking care of your emotional wellbeing. This is more important than ever as we manage multiple pandemics, including Covid-19 and systemic racial injustice and violence against Blacks and other people of color. Consequently, we may all feel more compelled to be as efficient as possible at work, home, and in our social life.
How can you take care of your mental state as you strive to live your best life?
Use these strategies to ensure your emotional self is well-cared-for:
Acknowledge your feelings each day. Performing a feelings-check ensures you remain in effective control of your emotions. There will be fewer incidents of flying off the handle, making unconscious sarcastic remarks, or getting annoyed and showing it.
Speak up for yourself when necessary. When you feel you’ve been wronged or misunderstood, simply state your feelings and what you’d like to see happen. This was a particular hard thing for me to learn to do as an LGBTQ+, Latinx identified woman working in predominantly white environments my entire career. However, I also learned that when I find the courage to speak up for myself, I show myself that what I think and feel is important enough to be noticed and discussed with those around me. This feeds my soul, especially when I am in an environment where I don’t feel naturally included or nurtured.
Stay tuned in to close relationships. As I have gotten wiser and gained more experience, I have learned that it is incredibly important to avoid relationships filled with angst, disappointment, and anger. I have also chosen, from time to time, to trim negative relationships from my life. Because relationships are so important to me and can be so paramount to my existence, I work to ensure they are each as positive and supportive as possible. Choose you and surround yourself with people who genuinely care for you and lift you up.
Have some fun each day. Laughing is one of the things I do best. When you smile and enjoy life, the benefits to your emotional life are great. Happiness and levity are good for the soul. Enjoy at least some fun each day.
Talk out loud about what troubles you. Whenever you have negative, nagging feelings, they can weigh you down emotionally. Try not to get to the point where you begin feeling constantly upset or acting out emotionally with others. When I feel this way, I speak to somebody about those challenging feelings. Sometimes, it can be a close friend, a family member, colleague or even a professional. If I am not able to speak it aloud, I often write it down, which I sometimes keep and have sometimes discarded.
Ensure your work is as low-stress as possible. Work is a big part of our lives and for many of us, we spend the majority of our time at work. You have a responsibility to yourself so take whatever steps necessary to adjust your workload, due dates, or other challenges to reduce job stress, when possible.
We all have plenty of opportunities to try. If you do all these things, you will learn to appreciate yourself and take good care of your emotional needs, you will be best positioned to sustain your wellbeing and to care for others in your life.
Updating Your Self-Care Story
As I shared with the group of women leaders recently, when we can look at self-care as a way of keeping our inner selves strong and well, our ability to invest in ourselves can grow. When we are able to put ourselves first, our capacity to serve and lead others will also grow. When we take care of ourselves we are more useful in our roles and can access our innate ability to handle life's challenges.
We should pay close attention to avoid going so far with our generosity that there is nothing left to give. Not to others, not to ourselves.
Work to recognize that self-care is not selfish.
Be your own best friend.
Create supportive surroundings and relationships.
Believe that saying “No” is okay.
Rewrite your routine as needed.
You are important. Self appreciation and care will not happen without your intentional efforts to give to yourself, at least as much as you give to others. Enjoy life to its fullest by taking excellent care of yourself emotionally as well as physically. Use these ideas to experience the enriched existence you desire.
Self-Reflection Questions:
How do I describe a healthy sense of self-worth?
What can I focus on right now, as a next best step to better appreciating myself and putting myself first?
How does appreciating myself increase my ability to be here for others in my life?